SMK May Event Interlude - Eddie Only

[trashylittlesecret]

As they left the infirmary,, Richie glanced around, seeing a few of the other Apprentices doing their part to shore things up. Someone had started to clean up some of the graffiti he'd been seeing more and more in recent weeks, but for the most part people were focusing on the train station. He steered them toward the Emporium, hoping there were futon mattresses he could put on his tab or something else equally workable, but his mind was decidedly elsewhere: standing outside a rotting, abandoned house in knee-high grass, hot humid August wind in his hair, his throat dry. He had been able to feel it, both times: the weight of the summer air pressing down on im, but something else, too: the weight of the unsaid. The weight of suspense and danger. Neither times, they had been a good mix, and if he failed a third time, he wasn't sure if he could look at himself in the mirror.

"Hey, um. Can I - can I talk to you 'bout something, real quick? I mean - just - before any shit starts getting even remotely close to a fan?"

He swiped his palms down the sides of his jeans as they walked, wishing it wasn't too warm for his leather jacket. He ached to be able to stuff his hands into the pockets.

Comments

[beepbeepmotherfucker]

Eddie wore a frown, which seemed to be his usual expression recently. It wasn't necessarily because he was displeased about anything. He was concerned about the people risking their lives out there in the wilderness and about what might happen if any of that stuff would reach the town. He'd been mildly lost in thought when Richie spoke.

He looked up, blinking to refocus on the moment. "Huh? Yeah, sure, what's up?"

[trashylittlesecret]

"Listen, um. This is starting to feel a lot like we're getting ready to climb down a well, ya know? It's gotten pretty fucking heavy. And ... the last couple times that happened, I always ... After it was - I mean - the first - I just -"

He huffed out a breath that was clearly anger directed at his own ability to use his words.

"This is dangerous shit, Eds. There - there's stuff that could really go wrong out there. The last time I walked into something this bad, there was something I really should have done first, and I've regretted it every single fucking day of my life since. I can't puss out on it this time, I just - I just can't, so -"

No more rambling. No more waffling. No more dancing around it like the words were lava. It didn't matter what happened after: if Eddie dropped him like a hot potato and ran, he could tell other people to look out for him and take his anger at himself out on the Corroded. If, by the grace of whatever gods Imagination had, it went well? Hallefuckinglujah. But he couldn't just run in circles trying to predict it and figure out the best moment, anymore. The only answer to that question was 'this one'.

He stopped walking and took Eddie's hands - maybe to stop his own from shaking as much as his voice was. Somehow, it came out clear anyway. "I have loved you more than you even can guess for the last twenty-seven years of my fucking life, and I have no intention of stopping now."

[beepbeepmotherfucker]

Eddie nodded in agreement. It really was starting to feel serious as fuck, especially as he knew the groups were getting further away from town. When Richie stumbled over his words, his brow furrowed in confusion. It was rare for Richie to get this flustered about anything. What the fuck was going on?

"Richie... you can tell me anything, you know that."

Then Richie's hand was on his and he stopped, staring at him. What the fuck? The bombshell that Richie dropped shattered the very foundation of their friendship. Richie... loved... him? He swallowed, staring at his friend for a very... very... long moment. It felt some the missing pieces of some cosmic puzzle fell into place. Every time something happened, Richie always yelled for him or searched him out first. Richie always seemed more worried about his well being than anyone else's. ... Richie crying at his bedside when he arrived alive. Well, fuck. His mouth opened to protest. But he was married... to a woman who treated him like his mother did... and after his talk with Elena it was clear to him that he didn't love Myra. But he wasn't... well... he'd never thought about it. He'd only dated and married a woman because that was what was expected of him... could he be? Even a little?

He was confused. And conflicted. But he realized that he wasn't mad or disgusted. It had always been him and Richie, after all. And he did love him. Up until that moment he'd been absolutely certain that it had just been the platonic love of two best friends. But now... now he wasn't so sure.

"Richie... I... I had no idea..."

It was weak, but he had to say something. But he wasn't leaving. He didn't even take his hand from Richie's.

"I... fuck, man I don't know what to say. I mean... I do love you, but I never thought of it as that kind of love before... Now... now I guess I don't know what I feel..."

[trashylittlesecret]

"You ... you know. I was convinced for forever that I wasn't supposed to." He winced. "There were so goddamn many times I wanted to say something - you have no fucking idea how hard it was when you broke your arm ...!" He let that last bit out in a breathless laugh. He'd retreated to the arcade to hide from his guilt, after all, and look where that had gotten him.

But for once, the Trashmouth held his tongue and waited. He hadn't expected Eddie to jump straight into his arms or start trying to devour his tonsils or anything, not in the least, so he wasn't disappointed at what he finally said in response. "It's okay, man," he said quietly, giving his hands a little squeeze before letting them go. It had felt so amazing, even that brief moment of contact - like home - but this wasn't the time or place. And Richie didn't want to push him at all, not even a little. That wasn't fair: he'd already been pushed around more than enough by people who loved him.

"I just - if we went into this, and you didn't know, and something happened to either of us ... but I'm not gonna finish that, because that is dumb. I just - I had to say it the same way you have to put your seatbelt on and get trained in how to use the emergency exits on a plane, you know? We're not gonna die today, but just in case, the exits are located at the front and rear, the little paper bags are for if I throw up and you're probably gonna have to give me yours ... and I love you."

He'd said it again. Easier, the second time, he realized. So much easier.

[beepbeepmotherfucker]

His mind continued to spin as he tried to work out and rationalize his feelings and Richie's and what was happening and it was... it was a lot.

And yet his chest didn't feel tight. He wasn't wheezing and gasping or air. He didn't feel panicked at all. It just... was. And Richie was giving him the space to process it and just be... because he knew him. Richie knew him better than anyone in any dimension, even with that 27 year gap. They'd just fallen into step like nothing had happened, like nothing had changed. It had been as natural as breathing. Even more natural than breathing for Eddie. It felt... right.

He smiled, reaching out and grabbing Richie's hand again and giving it a quick squeeze. "Hey, Rich? Thanks for telling me. Really."

[trashylittlesecret]

His eyes lit at that squeeze as though Eddie had just booked him a gig at Second City or Caroline's. Between the relief, the anxiety that had come before, and the anxiety that still remained about what lay ahead, he could feel the tears threatening behind his eyes, and squinted behind his glasses to keep them at bay.

He could have been a smart-ass about it. He could have just rambled and covered up his nerves. Part of him really wanted to, to give some of the nervous energy in him an outlet. But maybe he could use it on the Corrosion, turn it into magic somehow. So he held on to it and gave Eddie a careful smile that was genuine, and warm, expressing just enough but holding him together at the same time.

"Yeah," he said simply, then leaned into him, bumping shoulders. "C'mon. Let's do a bunch of prepping that will hopefully be for nothing."

[beepbeepmotherfucker]

Eddie could see the emotion hiding in Richie's eyes. It was clear as fucking day. But he was right. This wasn't the time to talk about it. There'd be plenty of time once this shit was over and done with.

He nodded, bumping him back. "Yeah. Yeah, let's go."